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Am I Faking It?

Am I Faking It?

(I wrote this a month ago. A MONTH AGO. What happened to the last 4 weeks?)

This is not clickbait, I swear! I really had this thought the first round of chemo.

I had my first chemo treatment on April 24th. It was different than I expected. I felt the effects almost immediately, and all of the side effects were pushing and shoving to be at the forefront of my attention. The list included: shortness of breath, extreme fatigue, nausea, muscle weakness, dizziness, overall blah-ness. This went on for 5 straight days!

Then the 6th day: I hop out of bed, “I am going to get my business off the ground! Maybe go back to school, is it time for me to get my master’s degree? I think we ought to go on a hike today. Maybe I should take myself seriously and open a Costa Vida in Greenville. That would be a game changer. When is yoga? Oh! I know! Let’s plan that trip to Iceland!”

K, what in the actual heck? Just 12 hours before I was thinking I would never be able to stand long enough to make dinner again. I think I am going crazy.

It is at this moment that I think to myself, “Am I faking it? Did I just make all of it up?” In my memory I hold the image of taking medications to help me sleep off nausea, struggling to walk from the couch to the bed, breathing heavily just from talking… then it’s all gone. I’m myself again.

This makes me think two things:

1. When you feel pain, you feel pain, and it is real.

2. When you feel good, it’s easy to take it for granted.

Even today, as I pop out of bed, full of energy and happiness, I’m not really sure what to do with it. Do I just go about my normal routine? (Which is not very healthy these days and consists of a lot of sitting and emotional eating) Or do I try to do everything I can while I still feel good? Go shopping, cook a meal, go to the park, practice some yoga, go to a baseball game. Am I emotionally prepared to do anything?

Obvs I would rather do all the things. So, today, I will do as much as I can. After I finish this bag of chips.


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